I’m not the most timely, prompt or consistent blogger, and yes, it’s taken me a tad bit over two weeks to reclaim a percentage of my focus reserves for the purposes of the written word.
For the handful – quite literally a handful – of souls who have stumbled across my patch of the world wide virtual garden, I present you yet another attempt on the behalf of yours truly to practice the element of discipline via creative expression and (and this is a very big and) follow-through.
My last post borrowed material from Caitlin Matthews, who offers a number of poignant questions geared towards supporting folks in clarifying their goals, which is a popular ritual in many culture at the onset of a New Year or cycle of another nature.
My last post also indicated that I would follow up on these questions in new posts, which I suppose requires some “follow-through” on my part. (See how this is all coming together?)
So. Here it is.
Question One: What am I endeavoring to manifest now in my life?
There’s a back-story to this. Two years ago when I was 28 and experiencing what I can only describe as a cornucopia of Saturn Return phenomena, I interned as an art therapist at a hospital in the SF Bay area. It was my last year of graduate school, and as the year progressed I became more and more distraught about my mountain of school debt, the prospects of finding a post-graduate internship that would pay enough to wean me off a diet of burritos and macaroni and cheese, and the incessant fear that due to my sensitive nature I would be devoured by the field of mental health. These are common concerns for people in my situation, and of course it’s easy to say to a struggling friend or colleague, “This too shall pass.” However, when it’s you sitting in the labyrinth of your own fear, it’s a much more difficult inner dialog.
For all the dismay and turbulence I experienced that year, I was blessed by a wonderful clinical supervisor. Karen was in her early to mid forties, and her eyes reverberated with the tides of the gray seas. All people are special, and some seem to shine. She was one who those who shined.
Our supervisions were a blend of clinical discussion and personal mentorship. On a particularly dismal day I brought up my concerns to her. I lamented about my anxiety (that old school, pesky companion of mine), my financial woes, my fears about my career choice, and on and on and on. Almost in tears, I stared blankly down at my hands clenched in the folds of my lap.
Karen asked me a question: “What do you want for yourself?”
I shrugged and whimpered something about wanting any clinical job that would allow me to eat and hold down a cheap rental. Karen pushed on.
“What else?”
Well, I thought it might be kind nice not to screw up too much as a green therapist, so I said just that – I didn’t want to fuck up.
“What else? Barring all obstacles, what do you want for yourself…anything, think grand.”
A funny thing happened, and that funny thing is that I had absolutely no answer for her. No one had ever asked me, and I don’t believe it ever occurred to me to ask myself. There were no words for her answer, no “Oh, I’d love to travel the world” or “Why, I’d like to write a best-selling novel.”
Karen did something important for me that day. She modeled a stance of believing in possibilities, something that was desperately lacking in my childhood. Karen taught me about the nature of manifestation, in that to manifest one must have a vision unencumbered by the weight of past baggage.
I learned something about myself. I didn’t know how to dream. I didn’t know how to expand my realm of possibilities. I didn’t know how to believe in myself. It was as if those muscles were withered and in need of a personal trainer. I think this can often be the case for people who grew up in conditions permeated by a consistent stream of crisis, instability, loss and trauma. We learn to just get by, to just weather the storm, to just come out on the other end. We also learn that that at the other end is just another storm to weather. While for some this can become a path towards inner strength, adaptability and resiliency, I believe this comes at a potential cost. The cost is that our worldview is consumed with the notion of survival. Survival is important, I don’t argue that. However, when it preoccupies the physical, emotional, and cognitive systems, the quest for just getting by kills the creative process of drawing up vision and manifesting change.
So, what am I endeavoring to manifest now in my life? The quality of being open to possibilities. The ability to dream and dream big. The knack of believing in myself. The expansion of my worldview. The transmutation of anxiety into a peaceful stance.
You know, the basics, the grit, the foundation.
For the handful – quite literally a handful – of souls who have stumbled across my patch of the world wide virtual garden, I present you yet another attempt on the behalf of yours truly to practice the element of discipline via creative expression and (and this is a very big and) follow-through.
My last post borrowed material from Caitlin Matthews, who offers a number of poignant questions geared towards supporting folks in clarifying their goals, which is a popular ritual in many culture at the onset of a New Year or cycle of another nature.
My last post also indicated that I would follow up on these questions in new posts, which I suppose requires some “follow-through” on my part. (See how this is all coming together?)
So. Here it is.
Question One: What am I endeavoring to manifest now in my life?
There’s a back-story to this. Two years ago when I was 28 and experiencing what I can only describe as a cornucopia of Saturn Return phenomena, I interned as an art therapist at a hospital in the SF Bay area. It was my last year of graduate school, and as the year progressed I became more and more distraught about my mountain of school debt, the prospects of finding a post-graduate internship that would pay enough to wean me off a diet of burritos and macaroni and cheese, and the incessant fear that due to my sensitive nature I would be devoured by the field of mental health. These are common concerns for people in my situation, and of course it’s easy to say to a struggling friend or colleague, “This too shall pass.” However, when it’s you sitting in the labyrinth of your own fear, it’s a much more difficult inner dialog.
For all the dismay and turbulence I experienced that year, I was blessed by a wonderful clinical supervisor. Karen was in her early to mid forties, and her eyes reverberated with the tides of the gray seas. All people are special, and some seem to shine. She was one who those who shined.
Our supervisions were a blend of clinical discussion and personal mentorship. On a particularly dismal day I brought up my concerns to her. I lamented about my anxiety (that old school, pesky companion of mine), my financial woes, my fears about my career choice, and on and on and on. Almost in tears, I stared blankly down at my hands clenched in the folds of my lap.
Karen asked me a question: “What do you want for yourself?”
I shrugged and whimpered something about wanting any clinical job that would allow me to eat and hold down a cheap rental. Karen pushed on.
“What else?”
Well, I thought it might be kind nice not to screw up too much as a green therapist, so I said just that – I didn’t want to fuck up.
“What else? Barring all obstacles, what do you want for yourself…anything, think grand.”
A funny thing happened, and that funny thing is that I had absolutely no answer for her. No one had ever asked me, and I don’t believe it ever occurred to me to ask myself. There were no words for her answer, no “Oh, I’d love to travel the world” or “Why, I’d like to write a best-selling novel.”
Karen did something important for me that day. She modeled a stance of believing in possibilities, something that was desperately lacking in my childhood. Karen taught me about the nature of manifestation, in that to manifest one must have a vision unencumbered by the weight of past baggage.
I learned something about myself. I didn’t know how to dream. I didn’t know how to expand my realm of possibilities. I didn’t know how to believe in myself. It was as if those muscles were withered and in need of a personal trainer. I think this can often be the case for people who grew up in conditions permeated by a consistent stream of crisis, instability, loss and trauma. We learn to just get by, to just weather the storm, to just come out on the other end. We also learn that that at the other end is just another storm to weather. While for some this can become a path towards inner strength, adaptability and resiliency, I believe this comes at a potential cost. The cost is that our worldview is consumed with the notion of survival. Survival is important, I don’t argue that. However, when it preoccupies the physical, emotional, and cognitive systems, the quest for just getting by kills the creative process of drawing up vision and manifesting change.
So, what am I endeavoring to manifest now in my life? The quality of being open to possibilities. The ability to dream and dream big. The knack of believing in myself. The expansion of my worldview. The transmutation of anxiety into a peaceful stance.
You know, the basics, the grit, the foundation.
2 comments:
Wow. Talk about good writing. I've bookmarked your blog.
Yes, Lucid is a well-chosen name.
Heya Lucid - yes, I too am having issues with consistent blogging at the moment.
I found your answers to Caitlin's questions in this post every bit as fascinating as the questions themselves in the previous on.
And as for your statement of intention to manifest the "quality of being open to possibilities"? For what it's worth? Here and now, so witnessed :-)
Blessings
Starfire
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